I love to have The Gloved One fight. His moves are so polished, his sense of timing is exquisite. Heck, Steven Seagal Lawman is gonna have to be on his best to beat the zipper man!
First Stevie is ranked large, as in tents for shirts and the ugliest jackets known to a homeless man. This weight will give him an advantage, should he ever connect. But can he connect when the other fighter has the quickest mitts known to man?
And Stevie may have studied Aikido since he was knee high to a pit bull, but let’s hope he remembers some of his karate tricks. Michael, you see, has those slip and slide, velvet coated jabbers. Those hands slither and slide, duck and weave, and can fool even the smartest artist.
To be honest, though Michael may have gotten the first few jabs in, Steven does have a few tricks up his rather large sleeves. He’s got…Southern Firepower! He’s got access to shotguns, pistols, and some stout, redneck nightclubs!
Uh, the hitting kind of nightclubs, not the jive and wail kind of nightclubs. Though, to mention it, Stevie does pick a mean guitar, and maybe he could swing that guitar like an ax! Surely a big old electric guitar bashed up against the side of Michael’s cranium wouldcause some kind of trauma!
Anyway, I know there are going to be a few people that aren’t going to go along with my conclusions, but I want you to consider the Beat It video. In that video Michael leaps into the fray and disarms two seasoned streetfighters armed with wicked looking knives! Now that has got to take some kind of tough!
And, if that isn’t tough enough, you can see other movies where Michael outruns machine guns, bashes the hopes of armies of baddies, and all while singing a tune! Sure, Steven can moan a bit, but…I’ve never seen him sing in the middle of one of his movie slugfests! Heck, all Stevie can do, in the middle of the brawl, is grunt, look grim, and give a snappy one liner when everybody is laying down!
Okay, I think I’ve made my case, and only the largest fool isn’t going to go along with me that The King of Pop would beat bejesus out of the King of Aikido. Unless the Aikido Top Kick can draw and shoot his trusty pistolo faster than than a politician’s mouth! Now if only Michael would moonwalk out of the grave so we could really see this ultimate martial arts fight!